Special Report: Iowa

For the sake of this blog, just assume that I spent the last 7 weeks of my life in central Iowa solely for the purpose of coining the namesake of "burrito snob".

Firstly, I would like to emphasize that I was very careful to get a clear consensus on the best burrito in the whole damn state before trying anything that could be considered a burrito. Surprisingly, there was one. It was for a spot called The Fighting Burrito, which happened to be in Ames, where I am staying. Well, if anybody tells you they have had a burrito in Iowa, they are lying to you. The Fighting Burrito's meat is worse than dining hall fare. Their website says they have soyrizo, but that's not true. Their guacamole very obviously comes out of a plastic bag, and it had to come a long, long way to get to freaking Ames, Iowa. They have two kinds of rice: white rice and wild rice. Their salsa births an abundance of questions that I will dub the precursor to "burrito theory," one of these questions being, "can one make salsa using just any ingredients?" Chips cost extra. They don't have a salsa bar, even with their own sad excuses for salsa. And...they don't have pinto beans. I have had literally dozens of Iowans tell me that this burrito is far and away the best burrito they have ever had in their (sad, deprived) lives. They admit that they haven't been to California.