Lily's

Lily's has a strong reputation for being the spot for a good burrito in Malibu. I have many friends who ate there every day of senior year, who rank the Lily's burrito just below better-than-average sex, who have made Facebook groups titled with high-school style one-liners like "A Lily's Burrito is So Beefy It Could Beat Up Chuck Norris."

Before yesterday, I had only eaten there once. I lived with a friend this summer who urged me to challenge my previous, negative verdict of the Lily's burrito. Yesterday I found myself in Malibu, so I decided it would be a good time to hit up the one business the most Malibuites seem to remain loyal to.

Quality of meat (1-10) : 6.6
The meat was flavorful, but it tasted far too much like beef and not enough like carne asada. It was chewy and grew increasingly unappetizing as the burrito went on and on.

Quality of house salsa (1-10) : 1.5
I have to admit, I have tried a lot of salsas. The "salsa" at Lily's is not salsa. It has the consistency of pus and tastes like peas and carrots. I have had very, very few salsas that I have refused to eat after trying them a few times. I tried this one multiple times to make sure my mind wasn't playing tricks on me. No, it was really that bad. I hereby decree the least favorite of all the salsas I have tried to be the Lily's "salsa."

Quality of guacamole (1-10) : ?
I paid extra for guacamole, as I do when necessary. However, they must have only put a few drops or none at all. I don't remember tasting any guacamole, and I searched.

Quality of chips (1-5) : ?
Chips don't come with the burrito and are upwards of three dollars, without guacamole or salsa. Welcome to Malibu, ladies and germs.

Size/Diversity of menu (1-5) : 2.9
So I suppose the Lily's menu is somewhat diverse, but not as far as Mexican food is concerned. They have hamburgers, fish and chips, and other standard beach-food fare. I'm not sure if they have tacos, but none of my friends have ever mentioned Lily's tacos, so they're probably not worth noting.

Size of burrito (1-5) : 3.3/?
Lily's offers a small burrito and a large burrito. The small burrito was pretty big for its namesake, I must admit. I would guess that it would be a good idea to get the large burrito if and only if you're stoned or have a reliable fridge.

Approximate price (For a standard burrito) : $5-$7

Locally owned? (Y/N) : Probably

Satisfaction Factor (1-10) : 7.5 (for a "small" burrito!)

Overall taste (1-10) : 6.5
There is one thing worth noting about the Lily's burrito, which is that mine got progressively less appetizing as the burrito went on. By the end, I was eating it out of sympathy for my wallet. I am not sure what it was exactly about the burrito that gave it this curious quality, but something tells me it might have been in my head. As far as the supposed superiority of the Lily's burrito, I do not see what the big deal is. I do not. Lily's fans, get yourself to a real taqueria. Details perpetually forthcoming.